day ELEVEN

i basically collapsed last nite
pure exhaustion
lengthy dreams of tensions released
i awoke refreshed
smiling
happy
till i showered
and noticed
that i was hard
and the ache set in
and the recognition of denial
and i rubbed a bit
and whimpered as my balls filled up
even beyond their capacity
buldging now
and i wanted release more than ever before
i stopped just short of orgasm
but i leaked a tiny bit
i held it back
with my head tilted back
my hair still wet from the shower
i breathed deeply
resigning to my unfortunate fate
i swallowed my reality
put on my underwear
tried to calm my pitched tent
and went on with my day

now i sit here...and it rises again
as i write
but it knows
there is only so much it can do
i sigh

...day 10...

after a sorry mistake
a prolonged ordeal
another sleepless night
too worked up from corrected transgression

i mustered the day...with yawns and caffeine
the bags under my eyes holding sharp memories
of shivering bones and helpless moans

i hope my apologies and acts of suffering
rest like bon bons at the reach of your painted nails
to caress and scratch aimlessly
my distant purrs evaporating before they hit your ears

i can hardly see
now that i am at the end of a very very long day
and in my mind's eye
i remember your harsh words
and the deserved shudders
milk white vision trauma

all this and my balls ache too
closet time held me
contained and rung out what i yearn for most
in the most inappropriate time
but that is what slavehood truly is
doing what you are told
whenever you are told
and leaving the puddle of your tears
as emblems of suffering

tonight, i stroked a little
mostly while writing this
remembering the text of your voice
and afraid of the edge
i must now, walk away
to wallow in my predicament
so grateful again and again
whimpering...
expression beyond gasps
and the gags of distance

Day 9 Brrrrrrrrr

on only 2 and a half hours of sleep
i made it through a very long day
only to find you eager to have me suffer more

last night's 5 minutes was torturous
both because i got so aroused so quickly
and because i had to stop
and you sent me to bed

i wanted to stroke all day today
got wrapped up in my work
but often escaped with the reminder of my ache
an ache that is really now very hard to control or ignore

it has been 9 days of arousal, torment, and denial for me
and while i want to cum so badly...the thought of pleasing you with more suffering drives me further

tonight i am shivering to temperature torment
which you brought to a new level
my mind shadowed by undeveloped REM
my skin pimpled with a goose's smile
each moment i dont know what is in store for me
and sleep deprived and frustrated i can hardly cognate the possibilities

all this and i am so ever grateful
and wanting to stroke
and show you how i lust
stroke and show you my need
and let you toy with my gasps for relief
with the known resolve that knows no end

Day 8

a busy day
up at 6am
stroked for about 20 minutes
the ache filling me quickly
my cock swelling and rising slowly
creeping awake
not accepting fast stroking
but pinches and squeezes
aroused terribly but not really hard
almost like it was fed up
but it doesnt take long before it loses its resolve
and stretches to its fullest
waki waki
it proudly erects
i'm COCK it seems to say
and i let out a moan
and then that cold realization
that this will not end well
and i let out a whimper
and realize it is time to go

Day 7

it has been 7 days now
i have expressed the inner rumblings of my psychology
and professed my fixations upon you who rule me
i like to get completely wound up in the rule box you lay out
i know it is easy for you, and that you are busy, and that i probably yearn for abuse when a conversation might be more appropriate

but i wake up now...so horny from the days of arousal, the days of no arousal, and the 5 minutes you allowed me yesterday
and well, i walk down the stairs touching my nipples
i see a commercial on tv or an flash ad on the internet and i let out a quiet moan
all i want to do is stroke
and be that animal you lock away as you have so easily described

i dont know how to apologize for it...i wish i knew the perfect balance of when to speak
and when to wish for you to point your finger

i stroked for an hour this morning...fit it in
knelt with some vaseline, closed my eyes, and wished you had ordered me to
the first 5 minutes were impossible
because the days of cum that have built up screamed for release
the next 10 minutes i got under control
and started to fantasize
its just what i do
dream of ways to be controlled
and kept in this state of utter arousal without end
the more i do it, the more i want it
it is a vicious cycle, and such a cliche

ive been afraid i am getting boring
and when i fantasize i feel that i am getting pushy
what kind of servant/mashochist/onanist male pervert am i, if i dont submit to whatever your will is
my insatiable need for arousal, and my enforced denial till the 26th
is license i suppose to indulge to keep my momentum of frustration alive
yet it seeks from
structure
the rubics cube of your mind
to tell it its next steps

i loved the objectification the other day
yet missed the direct arousal
i love the titrated sleep
yet panic sometimes
yet love when that panic is abused
i love this assignment
yet whimper in its silence
yet love its distance
yet yearn for more

i am a walking set of contradictions
when you heat me up
i reduce to a low male pervert like a sauce becoming more potent with its true essence

the next half an hour i whimpered terribly
used my fingertips at times to maintain a close to the edge arousal state
ive trained myself to suffer that way
staying right on the edge for hours
that is what i wish so deeply to be for you
a whimpering pathetic frustrated being...simply revealing his rawest form of need

while i have stroked for many hours on end...even over night
if truth be told, i have not witheld release, often due to accidents, for as long as currently prescribed
and thus i am torn for how much arousal i should engage in, in order to pace myself

my balls ache terribly...i shower carefully
but they fill me with grand dreams of captivity
and more stroking
and desires to still be amusing for you
so that i may continue to have glimpses of your wit
intellect, cruelty, arousing aura...and mostly your control

i am very grateful